Gambling; Casino Jokes and Humor
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Ten Signs You Are Obsessed With Online Gambling
- When your English professor says the author made his point; you ask if he pressed or not.
- You show up early at the bakery to take advantage of the hot rolls.
- You go into a 7-11 and ask to play the "don't."
- You go to a hockey game and wonder what happened to the dealers and boxman.
- When your kid says math "came easy" today, you ask if it was a 4,6,8 or 10.
- When an ambulance passes with flashing lights, you assume someone hit a "hand pay."
- You go into a shoe store and ask if they have 4, 6, or 8 deck.
- You hear the bible story where Lazarus is told to "Come out", and you ask for a 2-way C & E.
- You wonder if a salad shooter is really a gambling device.
- When the bartender asks if you want a "double", you say not against an ace.
A blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."
"OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight."
A woman playing blackjack got two tens, asked a man next to her: "do you know when is the right time to split tens?" The man smiled and answered when the table is full and your buddies need a seat.
A woman was in a casino for the first time. The spinning ball of the roulette wheel has always caught her attention. She decides to play at the roulette table and she says, "I have no idea what number to play."
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 29. The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up. The smile drifts from the woman's face and she faints.
Blondes are not dumb
2 bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a beautiful blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, ''I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked.'' With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling ''Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!'' She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling ''YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!'' With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left.
The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, ''What the hell did she roll anyway?'' The second dealer answered, ''I thought you were paying attention!''
George And The Last Dime
George was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. He walked into the men's room and to his surprise, the stall was open. Feeling better about his luck, he used his last dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, George went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."
George replied, "You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the bathroom stall open!"